Tired of Bein Alone

So, contrary to what you might think from the title, this isn't a whiny or sad post. It's just the title of a great song by Al Greene. "I'm so tired of bein alone, I'm so tired of on my own, won't you help me girl, just as soon as you can?" How is this not going to be a negative post, you ask? Because there's a great difference between being alone, and being lonely.

The song seems to refer to loneliness, and being without someone who cares for you. Well, I can certainly relate. My boyfriend and I had been dating for more than three years when I got sick last spring and he told me he "needed a break." When I asked him flat out, around Thanksgiving, if we were done, he said yes. So, there you go. I'm on my own. Single for the first time in a long time. Broke up with the man I expected and hoped to marry and have a family with.

Still seems pretty negative so far, you say. Well, wait. Now I am at home, alone most days 22 out of the 24 hours except for my dog unless I go to a doctor or a family member or friend comes by. This seems to be the epitome of "alone." And yes, I'm tired of it. It's very, very hard to remember that I do have people who love and care about me when the only way I am in touch is through Facebook or phone.

Now. What good could possibly come out of this? Some days, it's a struggle not to really hate it. Sometimes I just cry and cry. But I can say this: being alone so much has forced me to turn inward and upward for help.

Turning inward doesn't sound like such a good idea in a person who is struggling with depression and health problems and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, being alone and confronted with myself and my loneliness has forced my to deal with things that I otherwise would never, ever think about. It gave me the idea to reach out to my sisters and establish regular meetings with them, to catch each other up on how we are all doing and who needs help and who needs congratulations and who needs a swift kick in the butt. It has forced me to look back over my life, when I have been missing some of the people who were close friends when I lived in Ohio, and evaluate my life then and come to the conclusion that no matter how bad things are now, I am better off alone than I was with some of my friends down there. Living alone has also given me time to reflect on what I really want out of life, and to write. That's what I mean by turning inward.

As for turning "upward" for help, what could I mean but turning more and more to God? Of course He is my help and my strength. Just recently, when I was on the point of despair because of an agonizing reminder of my beloved cousin Joe (lost on my 21st birthday, that's another topic for another time), I felt so abandoned by everyone. I tried and tried to get someone, anyone, to come and be with me, or get me out of the house. Calling, texting, facebook messaging...nothing, no answer. Finally, I cut loose and cussed out the people who had abandoned me since I got sick, not meaning anyone who would be currently reading my posts, but the people who had ceased to care. Then I got responses! I had a good time out with a very good friend and was able to relieve some of the ache in my heart...but as soon as I got home, the ache descended again. Heavier, harder to bear, since I had been reminded of the life I used to have. At last, in desperation, I literally yelled at God "I can't take this any more! You take it! You can have this, this crap!" The weight lifted off me, and I heard, clear as a bell, "I was only waiting for you to ask."

Now, those of you who know what my journey toward God has been like, know that I am highly skeptical of people who claim to "hear God." It wasn't like a vision, or a locution, or any fancy word you might come up with for it. It was just God, telling me I'd been an idiot for trying to carry something too heavy for me. The previous example is one of many, many times that something like this has happened. I think I have especially learned to turn to God for comfort and help when I am particularly lonely. I feel it badly, the pain of the first Valentine's Day I've been single in so long, the anniversary of my daughter's death (see prev post), all the commercials emphasizing the "holiday." A Hallmark holiday, but still painful. Especially when I'd hoped to be married or engaged by this point. Along the same lines, lately, with the feeling so many of us have of being overwhelmed by evil...I have to cut myself off, when the tears first begin to well up, and start to pray.

God doesn't take it away, and I'm well aware that God is no vending machine. However, sharing my pain with God in a personal and intimate way, and giving it to Him to carry when it is too heavy for me to bear, relieves the complete despair I would otherwise feel. I mean, I tell God things about how I feel, focused on Him and listening for a response with my heart. Like talking to my best friend and getting a hug in response, or a squeeze of the hand, or a kiss on the cheek. It's not always words with God, it's a feeling or an insight or a relief of something you didn't know was wrong. Thank you God. 

So even though I am tired of being alone, and lonely past the point of sanity sometimes, I really do feel like I've got a good deal out of it after all. I have learned about what I can tolerate, even though I think I can't. And most of all, I've learned to give my heaviest burdens to God. He can carry them.

On a side note, Corrie ten Boom, a Holocaust survivor, who was incarcerated in Ravensbruck with her sister, lost almost her entire family. Reading one of the books she wrote, "The Hiding Place," has been of enormous help to me. I highly recommend it to anyone reading this who may be struggling with loneliness and anger and pain and despair. She gave me the idea of giving things to God which are too heavy. The way little girls ask their dads to carry heavy things for them: that's how I give things to Him to carry now.